Lessons From My Mother

Yesterday was August 16th and while that date may not be important to most, at 2 pm I lost my mother.    To give a little background, my mother was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis when she was 20 years old.  Her diagnosis was the reason why she dropped out of college and her marriage failed.  Prior to this, she was an excellent athlete who loved tennis.  She was a pretty good bowler and dancer.  She was an excellent pianist and started playing when she was 4 years old.

No one wanted to cope with her diagnosis...least of all her.  She gave birth to me at the age of 25 and my sister was born 14 months later.  I watched my mother struggle all her life.  She was unable to work because of her disability and money was tight.  Despite all of this, she provided us with all that we needed.

She demanded excellence from her daughters.  Education was always emphasized as a door of opportunity and that it was something no one could take away.  She devoted herself to making sure we were academically sound by either enrolling us in summer school for enrichment or conducting it herself.  One summer, she bought two desks from the thrift store and put them in the basement.  We had school that summer and were required to read and complete two written book reports on classic works of literature.  That summer I fell in love with science-fiction by reading War of the Worlds and Journey to the Center of the Earth.  I then moved on to Isaac Asimov's magazines and my mother ordered them regularly.

My mother led by example.  She knew that dropping out of college was a disappointment and she decided to recommit when she was given an opportunity through the MS-Back-to-Work Program.  She changed her degree from Music Education to Elementary Education.  Howard University was ill-equipped to accomodate disabled students at the time and she requested class relocations to first floors as she could not climb the steps.  She pressured administration to make curb cuts so that students in wheelchairs did not have to be severely inconvenienced.

As a result of her attendance in college, my sister and I became latchkey and self-reliant.  I learned how to cook as a result of trial and error from old cookbooks my mother kept in the kitchen.  She would come home in the evenings to a hot meal or a disaster, but she was always grateful for the effort.  She sacrificed her Saturdays by taking us to dance lessons and would take over 30 minutes to climb the stairs to watch us practice.  She managed to get a motorized wheelchair, hand controls for driving, and had the house renovated through a HUD program.  We lived in a hotel for 6 months, but it was worth the headache.  When the family attended her graduation from college, we were so proud of her.  She told me and Shannon that this was OUR Bachelor's degree.  The 3 of us had earned it together.

I have never seen anyone persevere through obstacles they way she was.  Through skin grafts, confinement to a wheelchair and a host of other issues that accompany MS, she always smiled her way through it and never complained.  I think we began to believe that my mother was immortal.  Death had not struck us like lightening, but had meandered down a long road for 45 years and we were finally to the end.  I am happy to say that she attended both of our graduations from Howard and saw both of us received Master's degrees as well.  Shannon is a program director for Kaiser and I became a teacher.

My mother told me on Monday night that she was dying and it was time to her go....Shannon and I cried so hard.  And then I thought.....if she had enough guts to stare death straight in the face and both acknowledge and accept, then we needed to acknowledge and accept it too.

Through my mother's life I have learned the following lessons:

Humility
Compassion
Perseverance
Pursuing your passion
Never accepting 2nd best

There is a sadness today as I attempt to deal with the gravity of her passing, but I also realize how grateful I am for the most important teacher in my life.  I miss her so much already.